The Pizza Man

Original:Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Pizza Man
I am often tormented by sounds that people make with their mouths. I can not stand the slurping, gulping, pouring, or splashing of liquids into an orifice. I don't know what it is exactly that makes me cringe, I guess I liken it to nails on a chalkboard.
I also tune in unwillingly to people breathing and associate it with eating. Like when people take a drink, they inhale deeply with that gulp, increasing my repulsion to the noise. I am never necessarily repulsed by the person, but more by the action. My sister likes to torment me by making these noises, especially while eating cereal. It's alot of gulping and groaning and swallowing, characteristics of my sister's life I am not interested in.
It seems that people I don't know also enjoy these noises. Here's audio:
"uuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhh....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. gulp-aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Everyone has seen this guy. Picture the local pizza joint you go to. Everyone's dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, like Charles' mom's pizza place in 'Charles in Charge'. But at yours there are lots of words flying around like,
"eeeeeyyyyyyyyyy!!!","ooooooooohh!!!","gumad!!","eeeeeeeeehhhhhhh spiceeey", " whoooaaaaa....penne!!!!" "uuzo!!!" thumb forefinger and middle finger facing upward and moving back and forth with a wicked smile making you want to be in on the joke all that more...(shoutout to Sal R and Joe D and Jerry if he's reading)
But today there is a guy in a suit and tie, jacket still on talking like hes one of the guys, in a sea of t-shirts and jeans. He's the guy folding the slice unsuccessfully with a napkin. ASSHOLE. And when he finally figures it out he lifts it to his face ( mid "haaaa" laugh and eyebrows raised at the person across from him ) and the slice slowly falls at the end like a dick losing an erection ( Ive heard thats what it looks like....a-hem....)
The man now needs to act fast so he sticks his tongue out like Gene Simmons in KISS, to try to tongue the pointed slice of pizza into his mouth. He wiggles and twists his head, still trying to act involved in the conversation, and tries to catch the end of it before it goes completely vertical and the cheese slides down onto his pants. Only bad can come from that, because then the sea of t-shirts and jeans will finally figure out he's wearing a suit and ask him why he is in the middle of a pizza place.
The tongue is reaching out further and further until the moment of repulsion. But alas! Success! There's nothing cool about a napkin on the end of a slice of pizza.
So the moral of the story. Don't be that guy cause it might annoy me.
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