04-30/Wedding Bells to Jail Cells

It is with deep regret to inform you that the Craigslist killer wedding is off. It almost seems like a Jay Leno skit where they pick out the funny names of people getting married. "The Craigslist-Killer wedding" The dude is terrible, and another reason why Fabian will tell you Boston sucks.

What I don't understand is that if you have an engagement party, are you supposed to bring a gift? And if you do - do you still have to bring a gift to the wedding? Sounds to me like the perfect chance to give lottery tickets in the envelope to one of those events. It definitely has some thought to it, but it also is valuable potential. If you get a cheap ticket, it still counts as generous because of the amount of money you could win.

I think as party favors for the celebration of nuptials to myself, I will give out a lucky 777s ticket to all my guests. One of the dummies there will be sure to win big, and with my luck it will be John. Hi John.

Speaking of John, the W.B. Mason guy is starting to get on my nerves. For a long time I used to see the trucks driving around, and since I was busy probably thinking of what deli meat is on sale this week, I used to only give the truck about 2 seconds of my time.

Finally one day I had discovered that I was actually curious about what this company is. I suppose I always thought that it was candy or cigars, due to the old tyme guy with his bozo eyebrow raised. Then I thought, "Wow, what a big truck for cigars."

http://www.e-brands.com.au/Blog_image_files/WB%20Mason%20ID%202.JPG

What's he looking at in that picture? Did someone distract him for a second during the hour long painting? Maybe some whippersnappers yelled, "Nice mustache, Gatsby!!" Then when he looks at the painting later he says, "Hey, I wasn't looking at the easel!"

I guess with the behest of the W.B. Mason higher-ups they decided it would be a good idea to feature a TV commercial with this weirdo raising his eyebrow. I think John was cast originally for this part but he was not able to attend the actual filming.

Good idea though, because the end of the commercial seems like its the beginning of a porno - and my research on early 20th pornography is still not complete. I could see the silent film though - W.B. raising his eyebrow looking at a dame in a 1920's bathing suit twisting his mustache. They go to the black screen with the white text that says, "Who wants a mustache ride?"

Then Babe Ruth winks and swings a bat in fast motion, mouthing the words " Lou Gehrig is a dumb kraut. " But the black screen then comes on and the text reads, " I love pencils from W.B. Mason." Then winks.

By the way, they are an office supplier that also sells food and stuff to companies.

Enjoy your Thursday.

ck

04-27/"Away from the curtains, Use your bucket."

As I sat in my hotel room in Mexico City, I turned to my pet pig "Rocky" and said, "Where's the beef?"

The swine flu has got the whole world freaking out. So now for us hypochondriacs, we can add swine flu to the list, when in reality an hour or two of sleep a night would rightfully suffice.

Symptoms
fever - do hot flashes count?
lethargy - Is there any other way to live
lack of appetite - well....
coughing - I don't know what color that is
sore throat- check
nausea - usually
vomiting - weekends normally
diarrhea - what is this? oh, I thought that was normal.

Our wonderful Alma Mater, St. Francis Prep., apparently has gained popularity in having many of its students infected by the disease after a trip to Mexico.

When reached for comment, Mr. Hiller said, " Thank God I am retired."

Former student Stephen Famoso said, "This is why I kept my books in Marco's locker."

Sadly, the Intramural Lacrosse finals will have to be postponed, as Aunt Jamima has to help scrub away the germs. When asked how he felt to be involved in this project he said,

"I guess they saw the bandanna and assumed I was a cleaner."

ck

04-26/In Train Sight

music - simple minds "alive and kicking"

Between Babylon and massapequa park; Shirtless man with many tattoos mowing lown about 12 x 8. Neighbor comes out of shanty, I surmise to smoke a cig. A second later a silver box appears and he lights one. Train starts to move and I'm guessing they are going to talk about Lurleen having the baby and how "that damn dog keeps getting out of the yard."

Eddie money "take me home tonight"

Woman walking in a long jacket waving a finger wildly while walking with a female friend. I can only guess she's talking about "Al always plays golf when he needs to fix the door."

VFW Post 1066 is having some rally or maybe a confirmation party.

NKOTB "Summertime" I feel ashamed and mouth the words looking out the window. If I was a superhero I'd call myself "OLD-man."

"Sitting here in the sunshine with you on my mind" sing it donny.

Ck

04-24/A Test of Erotic Temptation

ck

04-23/Some of you Suck

http://www.angelfire.com/stars4/sportsden/index.html


ck

04-20/Addendum

For your viewing pleasure, to supplement the last entry..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyhlnL0AbmI&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo%2Egoogle%2Ecom%2Fvideosearch%3Fhl%3Den%26um%3D1%26q%3Dsnl%2520golden%2520girls%26ndsp%3D18%26ie%3DUTF%2D8%26sa%3DN%26tab&feature=player_embedded

ck

04-18/Once In St. Olaf

Britney Spears stalker's a 2-time 'American Idol' flop
BY Nancy Dillon DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER

LOS ANGELES - The camouflage-clad woman arrested for peering into the windows of Britney Spears' mansion was an "American Idol" castoff who sang Spears' songs at auditions in 2004 and 2005.
Miranda Tozier-Robbins, 26 of Fitchburg, Mass., blogged about her "Idol" flops, admitting she got "choked up" when the judges panned her voice at a Boston audition in 2005.
Judge Simon Cowell said she was "terrible" and told her to "stop singing," she wrote.
"Every day I visualize those three people standing about 10 feet in front of me," she wrote.
Tozier-Robbins was arrested Thursday after security guards caught her peeking into Spears' Calabasas, Calif., home with a backpack full of video equipment, authorities said. She was cited for misdemeanor trespassing and disorderly conduct.
"She wasn't exhibiting anything for us to be concerned," Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department spokesman Steve Whitmore said. "We believe it was probably a paparazzi incident."
Obsessed fan Paula Goodspeed, 30, overdosed on drugs outside judge Paula Abdul's house in November. Goodspeed, who had Abdul's name tattooed inside her mouth, also blogged about her embarrassing tryout for the hit show.

In a related story, a man dressed in a hideous woman's nightgown and gray wig, was spotted peering into a ground floor apartment on Kingsbury Ave. The deranged man had played the role of "Dorothy" in the off Broadway production of "Golden Boys" that lasted only 3 shows due to the casts' parents getting tired of going.

Christopher Kemmerer, recently declared legally insane, wanted to "play Golden Girls," but his best friend and co-star Fabian had a lot of homework to do.

"I'm done in 4 weeks man," a visibly upset Fabian declared repeatedly. "It's over man."

"He can't get over it. I feel bad, but I have homework to do, and it looks like rain." Fabian said. "Rose was a big part of my life, but that was for a short time. It's time to move on. All he needed to do was keep it together."

A small group had gathered around Fabian's apartment watching the commotion. After he would take no further questions, he started taking pictures with the few fans that had amassed.

Quietly in the corner of the courtyard, you could see a camera flash and a, "Once in St. Olaf....." was heard followed by a muffled round of chuckling and a dog barking.

Kemmerer, who recently tattooed "Zbornak" on his tongue, was working on a tattoo that would cover his whole back. As the police led him away, the outlines of a woman stirring a pot of tomato sauce was visible on his back, with the wind blowing his nightgown up over his head.

Dools and Paps, other co-stars and friends, were in Cabo for research. They were originally unavailable for comment "because we are with some broads right now." We received this email shortly before this story printed.

-------------------------------------------------------------
CATCH THE PLAYOFFS ON TNT

Too bad about the kid - he was an ok guy. Funny blog sometimes, useless wingman, scared of girls. He's better off in jail.

CATCH THE MAGICS AT JAZZ SUNDAY AT 8PM FOLLOWED BY KYRA SEDGWICK AS "THE CLOSER"
--------------------------------------------------------------

As the straitjacket was put on, Kemmerer resisted wildly, the gray wig falling off his head. As he gave in and started to sob, all that could be heard was,

"Maaaaaaaa!!!!"

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Blanche: In this day in age it might be a good idea to take along some... protection.
Rose: What kind of protection?
Dorothy: Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about... [indicates a nearby counter]
Rose: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy: One over.
Rose: An enema bag?
Dorothy: To the right.
Rose: Dentu-Grip?!
Dorothy: CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!
Cashier: Calm down, lady! You just get out of prison?


Blanche: There's no reason to be embarrassed! Now these are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own! [picks up a package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] I'd like a package of these, please.
Dorothy: [grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] And I'll take these.
Rose: [looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] ...and I'll take these.
Blanche: Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Cashier: [speaking into his microphone] JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS, THE LAMBSKINS AND THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE. TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE IN BLACK.

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Golden_Girls#The_Engagement_.5B1.01.5D

04-16/Change Up

It was a beautiful day for baseball - a shade under 40 degrees and right next to the water. This was going to be a great night for someone who could sweat while watching an indoor ice hockey game.

The normal bro-hugs ensued, welcoming the troop back for the first game under the new regime. We ditched loving Mario, leaving him off to look for wooden bats in garages. A few years back the league tried a month of wood bat only, and he was fabled as saying in his guido-but-actually-Argentinian-voice,

"Ok, guuuuys, go into yower paarents and grandparents gay-rawges, and look fower some wooden bats. You knowa, nothing too fancy.."

Now Mario is gone, its all wood bat, and me, Matt, and Jim have the reigns. I also have a tight jersey as usual.

The gortex-like jersey clung to me like a wet-suit. However, today I didn't look like Hobee from Baywatch. I looked more "fat guy drowning #3" wearing a baseball uniform being saved by Newmie.

The game started and I pitched three innings, responsible for two runs but having not given up any hits. For me, I am more comfortable pitching off Major league mounds, with Dave Berni fixing any holes after every inning.

Unfortunately this was not the case, and I contemplated repairing the mound myself using a wheelbarrow full of the goose crap that littered the field.

The opposing pitcher, who resembled Orville Redenbacher, threw a 60 mph curve-ball that seemed to baffle our team. Eventually we figured it out. Either way, the game was good, and we came back to win.

ck

04-13/"Over a Dog"

I'm sad to report that 6th ave has taken another victim - my camera. I remember trying to take a picture of the Empire State Building, and then realizing my camera was broken. Instead of taking out the memory card and placing the camera in a receptacle, I subsequently, threw it towards a building and then made some comment about 6th avenue.

I got to use my line, "Go get yourself some coffee," to a bum after giving him 6 dollars.

Sadly with the loss of the camera, is the loss of the still photo's displaying "Fresha Peppa's" new oriental-Italian cuisine. Thank goodness that Joe, aka 'Really Young Scorsese,' was able to document the cooking with a video camera.

It can be summed up by Jerry saying "Fongul" alot.

Highlights of Great Friday at the Copper Door:

The cook peeking out of the kitchen with an obscure look, displaying either pleasure or disapproval.

Fabian and I wisely choosing to not make out in order to see 2 other girls make out.

Realizing that the first episode of 'Rescue Me' was filmed there.

Grilled Cheese.

The pickle incident.

Me NOT disappearing. Thank God.


Great Friday.
ck

04-09/Picture of the Week

You can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind.

And if you don't dance then you can....pretend that you are on a chest exercise machine.

ck

04-08/Whats So Wrong with Non-Reality

Arrive at apartment after baseball practice.

Drunk -ish, after post practice "team bonding" exercise.

Find Duel II premiere on MTV.

Within five minutes, 2 gay gentleman are making out in a hot tub, then one of them makes out with Brooke.

Shauvon has intercourse with CT.

I remember how I thought I was on the treadmill next to CT the other day.

My left contact lens disengages from left pupil.

Both contacts come out.

I get water, kitchen smells.

CT and Adam get into fight.

Eric tries to hold Adam back, and you see his buttcrack. I always liked Eric, because he has the Chris Farley look about him, and he's rarely on camera. Most of the time, the women are walking around in bikinis, and the guys working out, and there you see my boy Eric in the background, doing paperwork or something.

If I ever got on one of these Real World shows I would have to be funny guy who entertains good looking cast members, like a court jester. Maybe I could be the butler, and serve prophylactics in a bowl while wearing a tuxedo.

My role could be nothing more than a batboy on a baseball team. After two hot people have intercourse, I'd be walking in the hallway for no reason, and give them both high fives. They would not know who I was, but I'd always "look familiar."

The old Real World/Road Rules challenge opening credits would always pump me up to go to the gym. I think my dad liked it too. The cast members would come out of the water, looking all angry with a little amount of clothes on.

I'd be the guy at the end.

"And introducing Bobo, the butler."

In my opening shot, I'd turn around into the camera and be surprised that that I was being filmed, probably wearing a hawaiian shirt. Then put down my ham sandwich, and offer someone a rubber.

Reality - who's really living in the fantasy?

ck

Good news, MJ is back.

04-06/Train Me

Continuing to distract myself from life, I have been training a new fella at work. No stranger to talking to aircraft, he was also a controller at the FAA.

Very frequently, a pilot will speak so close to their microphone that the modulator doesn't have adequate time to recognize the speech, and it transmits as a bunch of phhphphphph, and phhahahahaahas. Most of the time it sounds like they are blowing into the microphone making it terrible to understand.

We have a standard, two earphone headset, with a boom mike coming down off of the side. If we have our mics too close to our mouth, the same will result, and the pilot's will not understand us.

When a flight has difficulty understanding an instruction, my trainee likes to hold the mic closer to his mouth and speak louder into it. For the past 3 weeks, at least 4 times a day, I instruct him not to do so. Once it prompted me to swipe his hand away and it reminded me of this.....

watch into 55 seconds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSFUvpmdVp8

And on the topic of engagements. Congrats to Rico and the G.C. I knew it was going to happen one day. Many blessings to you, devoted reader. I hope your first dance is a classy one, I recommend -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftsJL_SGwew

I'm looking for a new bicycle. My bike is no longer suitable to me. Interesting trades will be accepted, I need one with a baby seat on the back, maybe one with a nice stereo. I don't have much money, but I would like an expensive one.

ck

04-02/The Yuck! Meter

Very rarely do I feel sick for the city of New York.

http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/toplists/the_jeter_meter/the_jeter_meter.html

Now, to brighten things up, I've come up with my own meter.

The Kopec Komparison.

Tom Kopec, one of the city's elite, graduated at the top of the class at Hofstra University. Now walking the runway for Calvin Klein, Gucci, and K-Mart, Tom very rarely has time to go out. When he does go out, you can see him having drinks at hot spots like the Copper Door.

Tom's status remains single, and ready to mingle. Be careful ladies, he's a tough one to land.

Phil Paperellin - 4.5

Known as the "juggler" to his friends, Phil is one of the city's most coveted bachelors. Phil can be spotted frequently at his reserved table at the uptown oasis, Brother Jimmy's. His favorite table is facing the bar, with a picture missing from the wall.

Phil was the winner of "Most Cufflink Required Shirt-Wearer of 2008" sponsored by Woolite.

He is single, and looking for a nice girl who is very neat.

Colin Dudeley - 4.5


Colin, the premier athlete of the 21st century once ran a NYC Marathon in 1 hour and 12 minutes, and then kept going after passing the finish line to run it again, backwards. Stellar thighs, and a stellar jawbone, makes this single beg to be a double.
When he's not at the gym breaking stationary bikes, he's in movies doubling for Brad Pitt. He's looking for a special someone to walk with, bake cookies with, and snuggle with in the rain.


Fabe Christiano - 4.5

Fabe is one half of the dynamic duo once fabled around Bell Blvd as the "100 wing guys." Engineer by day, painter by night, he inspired James Cameron one night by chance at a bar, telling him about how he once painted his best friend nude. He eventually gave Leo one on one advice on the emotions of painting someone nude.

Sorry ladies, he's taken by his live-with girlfriend, actress and model Stephanie, of New Ken, and their children Lu-Lu and Chris.





Salvatore Rustico - 4





Staff Accountant for NYC's/Rockville County's hottest new restaurant, "Fresha Peppa," Sal is also executive chef specializing in chicken cutlets and chicken cutlets. When not cooking or crunching numbers, he is seen out and about playing Baci with his cousin, and drinking Cappuccino. " I lika the buzzzz it giva me."

Sadly Sal is taken.



Chris Kemmerer - 1.27

Chris was awarded 2005 Propecia customer of the year, his last year as star of the off Broadway hit, "Elvis, the Last Best Years." He once watched Teen Wolf 11 times in a row, hoping that he would grow alot of hair and play basketball well. Could never get over his amazement of the invention of the side burner for a bbq. Uses Tom Selleck's montage in "Mr. Baseball" for his own personal workout.
Can be seen all around NYC looking for the one true thing that matters to him - uh, the best slice of pizza.


ck