01-28/Bringin' it Back

In the late 90's I tried to successfully market renaming Vale%#$*^'s Day to "Mark and Arlene Kemmerer Anniversary Day," under the guise of President of the PAVD. ( People Against Vkjfdslajd's Day ) With the help of Paps, we look to bring back the movement. Ideas for a PAVD Vsfddfkjls!'s Day pub crawl are now being accepted.

http://www.watersedgenyc.com/valentines-day.html

Valentine’s Day dinner and dancing within our Ballroom

Feb. 14th, 2009: $100.00 p/p, +20% service & 8.375% tax

HOOKER IS CHEAPER

Dancing (Sax & Percussions)

FOR YOUR PLEASURE, ALL THE WAY FROM PISCATAWAY, "BLOW AND BEAT"

I CALL THIS ONE 'HOT AND HEAVY'

Open Bar Included

YOU'LL NEED IT

Jumbo Lump Crab CocktailHearts of Palm, Roasted Corn Relish, Avocado & Tomato
YOUR DATE MIGHT HAVE THEM ALREADY

Mixed Green Salad with Goat CheesePeaches, Apricots, Toasted Almonds, Lemon Vinaigrette
I HOPE THE APRICOTS MAKE THEM GO TO THE BATHROOM A FEW TIMES DURING THE MEAL

Salmon TrioHouse Smoked Salmon, Salmon Tartare & Dill Cured Gravlox with Tamarind Mustard Sauce & paprika Potato
WHAT THE F IS GRAVLOX

Seared Petite Filet MignonWhipped Potato, Seasonal Vegetables, Red Wine Demi
OK THIS LOOKS DECENT MAYBE ILL GO ALONE JUST FOR THIS

His & Hers DessertsBlood Orange Panna Cotta, Chocolate Cherry Biscotti
BLOOD HUH? HOW ABOUT ORANGE FUKKA YOUA

Triple Chocolate DreamWhite Chocolate Grand Marnier Parfait, Valrhona Milk Chocolate Napolon & Praline Chocolate Truffle

I CALL IT THE VALRHONA TRIPLE BYPASS

ck

01-27/Good Morning Taquito

I am a big fan of 7-11. Where else can you get anything that you need in the world 7 days a week, 11 months a year?

Much like any person chooses a specific bar to become a regular at, I have chosen a specific 7-11 that I enjoy to frequent. I love to chat and giggle with the clerks as I lean on the counter and drink coffee while they service other customers.

Usually after the gym I like to stop in and get some water, maybe a protein bar. I'm hoping that Neydu will recognize my bulging man parts, with a comment as simple as, "Looking Goooood!"

Sometimes I tease myself with the thought of treating myself to a sandwich. Fresh Boar's head from a big crowded deli or market? Forget it. I can get the "Italian Hogie" for half the price. All the condiments you want, no extra charge.

Milk, eggs, french bread pizza, Oscar Meyer cold cuts ( if you want to make your own sandwich ) are all at your fingertips. The hot, fresh croissant's fill the air with a sweet smell that makes me think I'm waking up in Paris.

If you're spending an evening at home with the other half, all your personal needs are available too....Neydu doesn't judge. Maybe just a sly wink, or "Have a goooood night, bro...."

Beers and wine are available too, all the way from the breweries of Milwaukee and the fabulous wineries of someone's backyard.

And the cleanliness....just today I witnessed how much they care for you and the safety of the freshness of your food. As I was helping myself to some 4 dollar eggs and checking their quality, I witnessed first hand the exterminator spraying past my feet. Free Pesticide!

I thank you 7-11 for your convenience. I thank you for your friendship.

ck Happy Bday AK

01-26/Four Months till Nude Beach

Just when things can't get any worse...

Fifty Degrees. That's all you need. Once 50 hits, that sweet breeze comes back. You can no longer count on many things these days, but if there is one dream you can bet on, it's the return of summer.

As a child, summer meant being off. Off from school, not having to worry about work, maybe eventually becoming a lifeguard. Other than that your schedule was wide open. Channel 9 had an hour of "Who's the Boss" from 10a-11a, followed by Richard Bey, finally opening me to the wonders of white trash love triangles.

As you passed through life, and completely different levels of school, the summer jobs became more complex, or internships for women's pro soccer teams occupied most of your weekly activities. Still, there were evenings of driving around looking for new TGI Friday's and trying different appetizers every night.

As time went on, we are no longer off during the summer, but work year round. With this hindrance, we have also been given a blessing of an income. As much as I love the snow in the city, and the alarming amount of evidence to how many dogs (and people probably) urinate on the street - I also look forward to that sweet breeze of the summer.

Summer 09 Goals -
Pick up Paps in an 86 Trans Am with the driver's and passenger's roof detached and listen to a summer time mix tape free from Mobil with fill up

Have a beach volleyball game shirtless in jeans partnered with Fabe against Dools and Paps

2 words - Ray Ban

Wear a white captains hat with anchor on front

another 2 words - Nude Beach

Win a "Regatta"
Win a Sand Castle Competition
Win a Hot Dog Eating Contest

Have a "throw a football from your knees the farthest" contest

Have a bonfire

Learn how to start a bonfire

It's a shame that summer doesn't last longer than it does. The most depressing part about summer is that it eventually ends. The days get shorter, the beach gets less crowded, and eventually the sunsets become chilly.

I guess we'll start first at the beginning, before worrying about the end. Then again its 20 degrees out right now, so I guess we'll check this again in a few months.

ck

01-22/Picture of the Week

"Things were said!"

ck

01-18/NFL Recap

The NFL season is on the cusp of its finale. The stage is set as the Arizona Cardinals face the Pittsburgh Steelers. I was very excited to see the seasoned Kurt Warner accept the NFC Championship trophy as the best team in the NIT. Oh boy I need a drink.

As it hits closer to home, I do offer my congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers and the fans that I hold close to my heart. I do recommend that if Big Ben needs some adventure or the "need for speed" he should maybe rent an RV and check out the Blue Ridge Mountains. I do thank him for offering the AFC Championship trophy to the troops overseas. I was hoping that he would end his acceptance of the trophy by standing at attention and saluting into the camera.

I'm sure that in actuality Ben is celebrating right now with a large bottle of Goose. Santonio Holmes is walking around with a bag of oregano to mess with people ( then leaving the celebration perhaps to tend to a bag of NOT oregano)

I'm sure Kurt Warner, on the other hand, will have no problem having his ginko biloba and driving his kids to school while preparing for the Superbowl. The biggest f'ing day in Sports and Sports eating, can't wait.

I wish that they would start off the Superbowl with something similar to the decadence of throwing out the first pitch. I suggest that maybe Larry Csonka or Bob Golic hikes a ceremonial first "snap" to Kurt Warner who hands off the ball to Marshall Faulk. Sadly Marshall Faulk might assume that he is actually in the game and try to run for 25 touchdowns, prompting FOX to cut to a "House" commercial.

Either way, I look forward to the game, as Fabe and I will have the whole Bay Terrace Loews theatre to ourselves seeing "Paul Blart Mall Cop," as we feed each other nachos and pretzel bites. I look forward to pre-gaming at Applebee's where I will have a few Coors light Big Brutuses with some boneless buffalo wings.

Afterwards we will go to an empty Outback and eat cheese fries until this NFL season disappears into the cool dark evening as we recall a year ago where we danced and danced and danced in the sweet moonlight - when life was great.

It was and always will be
real great. love.

ck

01-18/Hey Donovan

Phone's for you. Mommy says come home for some warm soup.**

**Surprising assist from Dan Sicy and Fabe

ck

01-16/Tickle Me Elmo, please

Good news to all you Sesame Street Fans, "Elmo Makes Music" is coming to Madison Square Garden's WaMu Theater in February. Thanks to their super promo, I'm sure there are plenty of parents excited to take their kids to see these big headed freaks.

(John Giannone is interviewing Rangers Captain Chris Drury and said,
"As tbe man with the C, you have the opportunity to talk to the refs....." ok back to Elmo..)

I like to try to find comedy in anything, but this one is tough. Watching all of those freaks doing moves that resemble a workout video really makes me uncomfortable. I think that the creepiest part of all of that is that their big headed costume faces don't change. What if a creepy guy who slipped past the background check is dressed up like Elmo and starts doing inappropriate things on stage to scare the kids?

For example, If Elmo starts acting out of character and pushes Bert down and starts humping him, undoubtedly the actor playing Bert will have some not nice comments. Sadly the kids won't hear his comments to Elmo expressing his displeasure, but rather just a dumb happy face with raised eyebrows looking back at Elmo indicating that he likes what is going on.

A masturbating Cookie Monster might even keep me up at night, after momentarily feeling intrigued and sexy.**

If I was an actor that hated my job at least you could have a little fun under the costume. Let's say the show is going normal, and some stupid music is playing for the actors to do their choreographed stretching and jumping jack motions. At least under the dumb happy face helmet the actors could express themselves with comments like,

"Fuck its hot in here"
"Yeah you dummies like me dancing around like a schmuck?"
"Look at that MILF in the third row. I see you staring at Big Bird's beak.."
"That dumb kid is not even paying attention. Look at me you dumb shit!"

All the while dancing dancing dancing, jazz hands (Big stupid jazz hands), dancing dancing dancing around in a circle.

**Conan O'Brien Masturbating bear.

This post has the record of most times "Masturbating" appears in text. 3

ck

01-16/Rico and the G.C.

Let me tell you something for once. NY Penn station is one of the greatest places on earth - for those rich, poor, and in between. Talk about a melting pot - I'd like to melt all the different fun snacks in that place and put it onto a delicious pita.

Drunk. Want pizza? Check. It may cost you a gold tooth, but they know what they are doing.

Foreigners off a boat. "Ah I like America! Pizza! No problem 5 US American dollars"
Really when it comes down to it; when you are hungry you will pay anything for food. I always envied the pot smokers because they got to get high and then have a legit reason to eat.

Just because I don't smoke pot I don't want to come up with a reason for why I'm melting cheese onto some type of bread. For a drinker, its more likr, " oh he's drunk, whatever."

For a pot smoker, anything melted gets some nobel prize. The inventor of the French onion soup had to have been a pot smokere. God bless melting cheese on top of a liquid. That's an engineer!

As far as I remember scooby and that dummy thin guy would do pot and then eat the scooby snacks. I like to drink, say something stupid to a local, then get a 6 dollar pretzel. I see no difference.

I'd like to call to arms the drinkers an pot smokers. The pot smokers usually get high to create things that the drinkers operate. The smokers usually are so smart that they can't handle the pressure of what they've created. The drinkers usually are scared to death of what contraption the smokers have come up with, so once they test out the product they have to drink after surviving.

It's one of the best relationships ever, separated by a mind and a skill. Like some, its what makes john gianone an artist and those that sit next to his table just a celebrater of his work.

Some of us can only hope to become the next Kenny Choi.

Ck

01-14/Murray's Husky

It's with great regret to inform everyone that Old Navy's future is in peril. I have no idea what I'm going to do if they go under. Whether its boxers, cargo pants, plaid shirts, or jeans, I'll have no where to shop.

I didn't always choose O.N. as my primary apparel supplier. I would always check in with the classy joints, but they always seemed to not serve "my kind." When the GAP first arrived on scene, I thought that I was in nerdy preppy guy heaven. The khakis, the shirts, the jacket of the year - it was all so exciting.

The first time I perused some of the merchandise at the GAP, I was sadly disappointed. The pants sizes were in the 32-34 range, and even the 36s were way on the back of the shelves - or even the top shelf,only accessible by ladder. The GAP was where I started my line of, "Are there more in the back?"

I confided in one of my favorite females from the days of high school. She was the one that suggested to me asking about more in the back. As great of an idea this was, it was always met with a hearty "No" accompanied by a look that said, 'You belong at the Big and Tall.'

Whenever the ladder was brought out, it only announced to everyone that this guy is a plus size and needs to get his fancy pants to try to be like the normal people.

This reminds me of the day I went to "Murray's" clothing store on Northern Blvd with my dad. He was genuinely rooting for me to be cool, maybe even kiss a girl. It was 6th grade and I was invited to a party that the whole class was attending. Murray's was known to our family as the store to get my school uniform because they had the "husky" sizes. I enjoyed this label, because it hinted at some type of stealthy pride, not what it would indicate if the pant sizes were labeled 36 "wide" or 36 "expansive."

We went downstairs, where the boys' husky sizes were located. When descending those steps it almost reminded me of going to a secret club, or the back room with the saloon doors at the video store. (80s were great)

There, we purchased a black hooded sweatshirt that read "HUGO BOSS" on it. I learned that this was a fashionable brand out of Europe, and reminded me of travelling. I later discovered that it was the same one that Rocky wore in Rocky IV when Apollo died, except in black.

Along with it, we purchased my first pair of not-black jeans. I'm not certain I impressed the girl I had liked, but I felt good nonetheless. After all, the sweatshirt was roomy, and didn't show any unsightly bulges in my torso that my body was manufacturing at this time.

It may have worked, since I was later invited to her house for a birthday party. Any functionality I had ceased when I showed up with my Pete Mitchell hair parted on the side, dress pants and flowers. The crowd was definitely not familiar, and I believe I had embarrassed myself. This was the inception of the term I used in unfamiliar territory called, "The Angry Faces."

Old Navy had my sizes. It was my go to store for pants that fit, and I never had to ask for anyone to check in the back. The XXL sweaters were as far as the eye could see. The only thing I ever fit into at Abercrombie and Fitch was a hat that wasn't fitted.

Stay with us boys, I need you. Polo shirt season is coming up.

ck

01-13/The Ceety Life

I currently reside in the serene and gentle rolling hills of Bay Shore, NY. In front of our house, a proud tree dispenses a sap so sticky, that numerous car washes can not rid this mysterious liquid from the paint. Through the second story window I stare at a cat that made it atop the tree - it was staring back at me as I dined on Doritos, shirtless after the gym. A photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger from 1985 looked on with disapproval.

A Sprint store and Mavis Discount Tires proudly stand guard opposite of each other on the end of the block. There is a fire hydrant near, just in case. Numerous vans and autos crowd in front of the Sprint store, blocking a view of the oncoming traffic, making it a gamble with the fates to turn your car onto the Sunrise Highway Service Road.

I believe that store must offer free bagels or donuts, a prize most coveted on the shores of the bay.

Down the road, a hearty family restaurant called "Burger King" billows out the aroma of flame broiled delicacies from as far as Riverhead, NY. You can dine on any of their delicious tapas, reservation free.

36 short miles away a mighty bazaar awaits. Exotic animals called Cees roam the streets, but be careful, sometimes they bite. People selling goods yell out their prices, while the beating of drums and fiddles play in the background.

You can enter dark hovels for an entrance fee, where people gather and tasty elixirs are served on ice. If you ascend upon these people and watch them, mini carpets of thick hair can be seen huddling around females. Sometimes these herds move around, as they follow the female.

Suddenly everyone stops - a vile stench is noticed immediately. Cees. A pack has wandered in, sneering and hungry for blood and free elixirs. Every hunter believes they can outsmart a Cee, but it usually ends in the same tragedy. The Cee likes to attack the chest and rip out the heart.

Penn station has 99 cent Hot Dogs.

ck

01-10/Picture of the Week

Kostrum/AP

Mark Cassamassa at his current job preparing for a big day at Giants Stadium.

"It's the Method Man for short Mr. Meth Movin on your left, aah! And set it off, get it off, let it off like a gat I wanna break full, cock me back Sign Loweeeeeeeee!!"

ck

01-10/More Fun to Come

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuVRY9PgQ30

ck

01-08/Here is your Zen

Just to let everyone know, polo is just not an invention of one Ralph Loren. I always thought that "Polo" by Ralph Loren was just an inventive smell created for the facade of thick gelled hair and expensive watches while wearing at suit at a fundraiser. The sport actually exists.

Its 1am and change. The ESPN wire is reporting that the Red Sox are close to a deal with John Smolz and useless Rocco Baldelli. I should be pitching against Rocco in my long island amateur baseball league, but for some reason teams love that he can hit ten home runs in only thirty games that he can make through. I feel for his illness, but come on. He should be drinking beers in the parking lot after one of our games where one team wins 15 to 12 only because the game ended because of darkness.

Just then I look up and a bunch of horses, who have no idea what they have done with their lives, are running around with a dude on their back hitting a ball around. What are these horses' motivation? Please sir, don't hit me with that stupid malot again.

Then after scoring a goal, they get a field goal of some sort.

The players wear a helmet, but what about these horses? I can only imagine a time-out when the horses are sitting there while the players are talking strategy..

"Dude, did you just shit?"
"Yeah bro, I had waaaaaay too many oats last night"
"Dude, your ass stinks"

All the players hear is a bunch of neighing and snuffing with the horses heads bobbing. Really all these horses want to do is get out of another match without getting hit by a 60 mph cue ball.

So after these matches these jockeys must go out for stella artoise after not showering, and the horses get more hay. Maybe after a big win the horses use their creepy long faces to shower each other in their shit laden hay.

The horses should at least get a party with some mares and maybe some grey goose in their troughs. They are the athletes that should get credit.

I guess there are no subs either. In reality if I was a horse on the sideline and all my friends were running around after a ball that looks like a salt lick, you better believe I'm running after it and I'll bite it.

They should have goalies too. Put a nice horse there with some pads and a helmet. The helmet could even be painted with a cool logo, or a mad looking horse with fire coming out of its nostrils with a barn in the background.

In my book, any horse that can make a butterfly save isn't going to the glue factory.

Commentator; "Whew these are the games that take your breath away."

This match is going into sudden death. I don't think the horses like that term.

Ck

01-06/The Week Ahead

Events this week include the Giants beating the Eagles, and the St Francis Prep class of 99 ten year reunion. Both will include drinking and crying, but that is just another weekend for me anyway.


I'm sure the best part of preparation for this week is the grooming for the reunion. For five straight days, the gym will be visited, and chicken and rice will all of a sudden taste deliciously necessary. Beware of the attack of the random situps and pushups.


Mark down how many times you spot these things to keep score.


People twirling expensive car keys in their hand during conversation.


"So.......What have you been up to?"


"Are you a pilot now?"...followed by..."Oh, you mean with the wands outside the plane?"


"Can I send you my resume?"


"Good times, we got to hang out again." People inputting phone numbers.


"The first German Club President to ever have two terms."


Watch for hookup attempts, where you will see desperate tries to get phone numbers from people you were not good enough for back then. I'm sure now with receding hairlines, and an extra 30 pounds, the chances are even better.

I look forward to watching all of these events, and desperately wish I had a film crew for evidence. I will hope that my old lunch lady who gave me free food will be serving the drinks this time around. For good measure, I may pretend to have asthma so I don't have to run for gym class.

ck

01-02/Holiday Recap

Well you've made it past the holidays. For those of you that are home owners, you can retire your good plates and silverware back to their resting place. For those of you that are not, you can start hitting the mac and cheese again, as the rib eye's and hams go back to special occasion meal status. Unless of course, you make lamb meatloafs in a 3x4 conventional oven on the regular.

It is sad to see holiday parties go, though. As I attended almost none this year, I still think they are a cool concept. While the food and alcohol is usually provided, its fun to see how your co-workers act when they get a little tipsy. I am reminded of a great Holiday Party episode Of Married With Children. Al, late getting to the bank, can see the employees inside drinking, dancing, and throwing money in the air, while Marcy makes copies of her ass on the xerox.

Happily, we will have a month or so break from Jared and Zale's commercials. They seem to think that nothing says holidays during a bad economy like giving someone a diamond ring. I believe it was DeBeers who used to have that violin music aimed at giving you a panic attack unless you ran to the store and bought an anniversary necklace. "A diamond is forever." So is herpes.

The violin tune was catchy though. As it got more intense it seemed like you were watching a murder mystery. Is he going to give her the necklace? Maybe he's going to kill her?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vXHm8TzLzE

Car commercials are just as bad. Lexus seems to think that most people live in 5 bedroom snow covered houses, and to brighten up someone special's holiday means a 50,000 dollar car. Sounds pretty good actually.

I think though, they should film my roomate buying me a used Suzuki Sidekick with a bow on it and driving it up to our rented 2nd and 3rd floor of a house. I hope my 80 year old landlord is in the shot taking out the garbage in his underwear while his wife is yelling at him from the door. Awesome.

ck