05-28/Hi Daddy

My father got a kick out of the digs that people in right field gave Adam Dunn last Tuesday. We sat 4 rows up from the field, as a gift for mother's day. My sister and mother, sitting quietly next to my father and I, giggled quietly at comments like,

"Hey Dunn, you should have had that" (ball not in the vicinity of him)
"Hey Dunn, you want a pretzel since you're not in the game"
"Hey Dunn stop scratching your nuts" (for some reason my dad enjoyed this one the most)

My father eventually wanted to get into the fun, and asked me what would be a good thing to say. Thinking that he would never do it, I suggested that he say something about Dunn's wife. Furthermore, I told him that it was ok, and part of our "pastime."

Then as if in slow motion, I saw out of my left periphery, his hands cup up to his mouth. Frame by frame it got closer to his mouth, and once they met his face I heard....

"HEY DUNN......"

"YOUR WIFE SLEEPS WITH THE MILKMAN"

I said. " Milkman dad?"

"Mailman, Milkman, what did I say?"

My mother, shocked, embarrassed, but also laughing, said, "Mark!"

Dad replied with.

"What? It's our national pastime."

ck

05-24/Riesling, Yousling

Sorry everyone but Riesling week in NYC is over.

http://germanyinnyc.org/index.php?section=catevent&cat_evt_id=614&cat_id=6

ck

05-21/Horrorscope

Your Weekly Horoscope - Virgo

Sunday, May 17th 2009

Week ahead: You should start to feel that certain restrictions have lifted; it's time to move forward. "I'm staying with my family while my condo is being renovated.."

Love: Keep life equal between you and another - relationships should have an element of balance. "I know we always go to your place, but my condo is still being renovated..lots of drop cloths and what not.."

Career: Confirmation of something you've been waiting for is indicated this week, even if it doesn't go ahead right away. "Yeah, since I got my promotion, I wanted to put in a new kitchen..no big deal, it should take a couple of months.."

Money: Hard work eventually pays off; don't get despondent. "Oh it's a mess right now, toolboxes, paint cans, it's not even worth seeing right now..I wouldn't want you to trip.."

Key words: Exercise a good dose of patience. "Insert your own joke about exercise here."

-------------------

Your Daily Horoscope - Virgo

Thursday, May 21st 2009

Role models in life are inspirational, as they help to set the boundaries of infinite possibilities in life, but don’t mirror your total life exactly on what someone else is doing. Have a role model as an example of what can be accomplished, but allow yourself to be better or different without being limited to what your role model has achieved. Live your own life, Virgo.

Fabian, I have returned my umbrella - the weather can go F#*k itself.
Phil, I tried a turkey sandwich - I'm ditching it.
Steve, I look stupid in a backward Mets hat.
Colin, my treadmill is going to make a lovely rack to hang my Mets Jerseys.

Rico, I still want to be like you.

ck

05-19/Sorry

I'm terrible right now, a little blocked due to "stuff"

Keep coming back,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOQboHV3-PI

ck

05-19/My Poker Face

05-14/Zip it Doris

I'm tired of websites that require authentication by making you type in words. The annoyance is brief, but the bitterness long lasting - apparently.

The words they make you type in are scrunched up and behind some sort of blockage that makes it nearly impossible to read. So here's the plan. We are going make you type a word that doesn't exist - is squished together making the letters of this non word undecipherable - and hide it behind a blotch - with a number 6 at the end of it.

Well when making it this difficult, I think the countless rejections are going to make Susie Homemaker not want to purchase Jonas Brothers tickets from ticketmaster. Maybe she'll just scalp them instead, using her semi MILF body to bargain with the scalper. A scalper named "Tigre," originally from the island of Barbuda, likes the character "Daryl" from The Office, and responds to Susie's advances with "Ho. You old (mon)."

So I prefer that maybe they not make it so hard to purchase something. Use words spelled clearly "I N T E R N E T" not scrunched up, squiggly letters
"HAFOTARN72."

Whats up with Checkers, do they make decent food? Reminds me of Chubby Checker, and wasn't he chubby?

Denny's, stop advertising bro, we don't have you in the city.
In fact here are the closest ones:


1286 ST. GEORGES AVE.
AVENEL, NJ 07001 US
732-634-4160
27.67 miles
According to Wikipedia, Avenel is the headquarters of Bradco Supply, one of the leading distributors of building products in the US.

752 HWY. 18
EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ 08816 US
732-238-4337
37.55 miles
http://www.eastbrunswick.org/departments/news_detail.asp?NewsID=768

61 NEWTOWN ROAD
DANBURY, CT 06810 US
203-778-2298
48.89 miles
http://www.ci.danbury.ct.us/controls/eventview.aspx?MODE=SINGLE&ID=593

When living in Florida, Matt and I went to eat at Denny's often. After ordering breakfast, I said "I'll also be fat and have the mozzarella sticks."

And at Chili's I got a salad once. She listed all the Non-fat dressings, and I asked her "What do you have with fat?"

ck

05-11/Zach and Miri Go F Themselves

Ok super movie. So happy. I was excited to watch a movie about Seth Rogen probably smoking pot, and the hot crazy chick from 40 year old virgin maybe showing her boobies. Instead I was assasined by a love story inside a movie called " ZACH AND MIRI MAKE A MOTHERF(&&*ING PORNO."

Well you took me by surprise sir. And while Darryl from 'The Office' offers another very exceptional under the radar performance, its still a love story INSIDE A MOVIE CALLED ZACH AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO.

The worst part is that they explain what happens after the movie ends after the credits roll. It's bad enough when the movie ends and they start showing the extra footage. People stop, do that awkward stand-in-the aisle thing, and no one knows what to do.

It's not like someone handing you a flyer, and you give them (maybe) the second or two before you say no thanks. You stare at the screen while walking in the aisle to the exit, craning your neck around like a dog watching tv. They are interested in the TV but just the head swivels around and stares at you while panting as if they said, " Dummy, did you say something, I'm watching TV."

In the aisle, you stand, like a dummy looking at these end parts. Gee, it would have been nice sitting in my chair to watch these clips, you think. But no, you turn your head around but still walk, and bump into someone in front of you who stopped to do the same thing.

Well the answers you need do eventually come in the shots after the ctredits, so you have to wait till the end, or fast forward through the credits to see the answer.

ck

05-09/Mine That Bird

"Hih, I'm champion horse trainer Wayne Lukas. I just wanted to tell ya'll about the new bird flavor Skoal. Now, now, I know what ya'll are thinkin'-
And yeah...it's real bird.

Nah, I'm just foolin with ya folks. We did name the new flavor after my horse, Mine that Bird, 'Skoal Bird Blend.' (Holds up canister)

Unlike Kodiak, and Timberwolf, we used authentic Mine that Bird horseshit into our blend, not that imitation mule shit.

Who would think tabacca flavored with shit would taste so good? (Takes a hefty pinch and delivers it into the right side of his mouth and mumbles )
But shit, we won the derb-eh, so hell, let's celebrate!

(Two hot cowgirls walk by and he spits, girls give him a turned on look and bite their lips)

Howdy Ma'am ( tips his cap looks back at camera - ) So very seeexxxxy! (Said like Jack Palance in Brut commercial )

---------------
Of course I bet every exacta combination with Papa Clem in it, and I took Flying Private as my long shot hopeful. Of course because it has "Flying" in it, shnarf shnarf..

I am betting the farm ( 6 dollars 27 cents and a button ) on a Papa Clem, Flying Private exacta box for the Preakness.

As the countdown to Belmont begins, along with my hopes for not falling out of a car twice (once on purpose ) - I think we are going to go with seersucker suits and gentleman hats. At this point, and more specifically a few points a while ago, I (we?) don't care anymore. I have a better chance of wearing a burlap sack and not sweating, but I'm going for it anyway.

Here's what I'm thinking.
http://kathlinargiro.ecrater.com/product.php?pid=2950746

Just kidding - this will be worn by my date, the one armed mannequin I met at K-Mart's petite section the other day. I never got a call back from the one I met a JCPenny's. When I looked back, she had had her left arm bent at the elbow up to her head, and I assumed it was the "call me" sign.

Maybe she was giving me the finger, I don't know, she didn't have any hands.

Who cares? I mean, really, who cares? ( Fred Armisen as Joy Behar )

ck

05-07/Line of the Week

After security gaurd tells steve to back away from steps Fabian says,

"I'm getting too old for this shit, Riggs!"

Ck

05-05/Terrier-ific

http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2009/05/04/2009-05-04_st_francis_prep_reopens_classes_monday_a_week_after_school_closed_over_swine_flu.html

St. Francis Prep reopens classes Monday, a week after school closed over swine flu cases
BY Barry Paddock, Joe Kemp and Samuel Goldsmith DAILY NEWS WRITERS
Tuesday, May 5th 2009, 6:30 AM
St. Francis Prep students head back to class Monday, a week after school was closed because of swine flu.
Students and teachers streamed back to St. Francis Preparatory School Monday, 11 days after swine flu canceled classes and sent panic throughout the Queens school.
"We're feeling awesome," said Daniela Serringer, 15, who spent last week afraid she'd come down with the virus like so many of her friends.
The Fresh Meadows school was meticulously cleaned, washing away her fears along with the germs in her classroom.
"I really trust the school," Daniela said.
Workers at St. Francis spent days sanitizing the building from floor to ceiling, even scrubbing the ventilation system that pumps air through the building.
"I'm just delighted, and thank God, that we're getting back to normal at some point today," the school's principal, Brother Leonard Conway, said.
Still, 204 of the school's 2,700 students called in sick.
"The vast majority of calls were from parents who said, 'Just to be on the safe side, I'm keeping them out for another day or two,'" Conway said.
Mayor Bloomberg welcomed students and staff back to the epicenter of swine flu in the U.S. As many as 1,000 people have been sickened and 45 diagnosed with the virus at the school.
"It's always good to be back with your friends and get back to studying," Bloomberg said over the intercom shortly after the opening bell. "I'm sorry for anyone that got sick, [but] it turns out the flu was not that serious."
The number of confirmed swine flu cases in New York went up to 90 Monday after 17 suspected cases of the virus were confirmed, Gov. Paterson said.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that closing schools in swine flu outbreaks doesn't effectively halt the virus' spread.
The Federal Trade Commission warned consumers to stay away from fraudulent swine flu remedies being advertised on the Internet that could actually harm you.
Colloidal silver, a mineral supplement that some believe has healing properties, is being hocked online as a cure, but the drug is not recommended or approved by the FDA.
A bag of "baphicacanthus root" was touted on eBay as "the best drink to prevent Swine Flu" because it removes "toxic heat" from the blood.
"There is no competent and reliable scientific evidence to support [such] claims," said FTC spokeswoman Betsy Lordan.
Globally, the number of swine flu victims topped the 1,000 mark as the United Nations most senior health official warned a second wave of the virus in the coming months could be far more .

http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2009/05/04/2009-05-04_st_francis_prep_reopens_classes_monday_a_week_after_school_closed_over_swine_flu.html#ixzz0EdQ8ugND&A

Class President Phil Paparella stood with Mayor Bloomberg after the announcement for photos. Unfortunately, the PA was still on when this was overhead...
"Bloom, here's how its going to happen. You're going to set me up with a nice job in the city, a place on the upper west side, and lots of broads to canoodle with."
"And what do I get in return?"
"The football team's vote for your next election."

Life was carrying on for the rest of the largest co-ed Catholic High School's student body. As 1700 females prepared for their day at school, FC and CK were spotted sitting next to each other in the corner of the cafeteria having a bagel eating contest.

Steve Famoso, who was in the cafeteria since 6:15, saw the two and opted to sit with Dave and have a staring contest.

ck

05-03/Revelations

I just realized that after 27 years an extended family member's name is "Antoinette" not "Aunt Annette." And there is no name "Aunt Annette," except for someone's Aunt, named Annette.

ck