Barber Shop Blog 4 - Buzz Me, Cut Me, Shave Me

Original:Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Cut me, buzz me, shave me.
It was humor at its best. Russian immigrants cutting hair, their uninhibited commentary to customers no longer shackled down by the laws of common decency. Those shackles were broken, leaving Russia and fullfilling their dreams - Cutting hair and demeaning balding customers in their 20's.
It's the return of the Barbershop Blog.
That barbershop, with its large wide windows, was snugly fit in between a fish store and a local dive bar. Its strategic location begged for the fish-eaters and the drunks to come on in, " Hchave a hchaircut" the buidling's soft voices would almost call out. The voices so sweet that if you ignored the shop's initial contact, it would make you feel you were welcome any time. " Ok, maybe after snapper, or wodka?"
The talking barbershop was actually the barbers inside messing with me. When I found out, they would yell at me, "hcha hcha, he thought the buildink was talking to him!! Get out of hchere baldty!!!"
I never saw them again.
Wandering the streets for months, my now moppy head yearned for a fresh cut. A fresh look. It was what I needed, now that I had lost yet another barber from my life. A fresh look - not only -but a fresh start. As I wandered the cold streets of Whitestone, NY, collar up, hand in pockets, I saw it in the distance. A flicker of blue, white and red, coiling in an upward motion, rotating trance-like, had lulled me into a type of hypnosis. With a quick reflex-like twist of my head to the left, I pushed aside with my hand the long brown locks that blinded me.
Incessantly blockng my vision with such obnoxiousness, I mockingly inserted a section of the long thick strands between my middle and forefinger. With a dark stare at the locks 2 inches from my eyes, I pretended to snip. I had found my new barber.
2 years later
We had never spoken one word. As soon as that smock was thrown around me I was his. The charactures of different ladies hairstyles that covered me on the smock all laughed at me. It choked me at the collar.
In silence he cut me, he buzzed me, he shaved me. Two years of silence.
Until last Friday, he spoke…..
"This weather, his nice, no?"
Sullenly, lowering my eyes to the lady characture of the bee-hive hairdoo on top of my left breast, I responded, "Yes." Not a weather talk. I prefered the years of diligence and silence over the weather talk.
Then it happened….
"^^** for McCain or Bama?"
My heart lept! A real conversation!……...Shit - his English is worse than those bastards down the street.
"**__ no Palin like guns $@^% has daochter pregnant, no hchusband!" he stated, making the half-oval shape with his hand over his stomach, indicating a woman with child. Then he waited for a response. My nod indicated he may proceed, and he did.
"Hoh-bom-a-ch Muslim, ^&$^*() Hussein family **$(*. Wife black, childrchen blachk. ***
%@%!@%@ $!* *@* (((&*@ *!%!"
No idea. As I wondered what ignorance he was spewing, I was crushed. I couldn't hear all of how funny and ridiculous this rant could have been.
"You dhont have Muslim as president. No Hamas president Israel. Egipt (Egypt) has Egipt. Saudi Arabia."
"Breschnev – 4 star Geen-eral. Kruschev – 2 star Geen-eral " As he listed the leaders of Russia and all their ranks, he affixed imaginary epaulets to his shoulders, like someone in the military, or a pilot, would wear.
"Gorbachev ruined Russia. Ge-orgia and Russia fight. Ho-bama, no strong, no military." Then, making a big C using his forefinger and thumb, he placed them on his dimples, " His face too younghk No like him." He then made racially driven comments as to what would happen if Obama won.
I asked him where he was originally from. He said, "Uzbekistan. Was part Russia" I then thought about Chevy Chase and Dan Akroyd wearing those white furry outfits in the movie, "Spies Like Us."
"McCh-ain good. Looks experience. Military. Is gudt"

ck Mohegan Sun.