If you haven't noticed, this year's holiday season has been accelerated. Christmas songs are already playing on satellite radio, select FM stations, and radio station websites. Holiday sales are also starting early, not only to get us in the holiday mood, but also because stores need a boost to their bottom line.
Well, Christmas, if you want some of this early, then come and get it.
I've got my motha'f----ng sweaters at the cleaners. My little winter hat with the stupid f----ng ball on top of it is out of storage - and my ice skates are getting sharpened.
Wollman Rink, NYC. Yeah, you. I'll be there. Ill be the guy pretending to not know how to skate and take down happy couples skating around. Laughing, giggling. Uh oh..... watch out..... really large guy doesn't know how to skate coming right at us! BAM!
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry you guys!!" I say in that black guy imitating white guy voice. "I'm so bad at skating, I just wanted to have a good time. Let me get some napkins for that blood, bro."
I skate away, accidentally over the rose that Johnny Loser got for his girl. I turn back, put my mitten covered hand over my head, roll my eyes upward sheepishly, and mouth the words , "So sorry..."
Paps decided that we should duct tape rose-holding blow up dolls to our hands, and skate around in serendipitous bliss. We would dress them up classy, of course, donned with a nice coat, classy scarf - what kind of weirdos do you think we are?
Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. Hi. Any loser couples checking you out this evening? Holy Shit its a huge tree with lights! Hurry up and get to Chez Max before you're late for Mamma Mia.
Somewhere around Lincoln Center a derranged homeless man has broken into a 3 story apartment. Walking down the street is Jenny with her very nervous gentleman lover: a pressing question on his mind. He stops her underneath a bare oak tree decorated with white Christmas lights. Descending down onto one knee, he pulls out a black velvet box and says, "Jenny, I lo.........."
Then, in superhero fashion, the derranged bum jumps off of a third story fire escape, swinging on a rope of bedsheets tied together like Tarzan. He swings right through the couple, snatching the box from the hand of the stunned gentleman, landing in a pile of garbage bags. He springs up and starts running. Johhny Gentleman starts crying. Dont worry, the ring was insured.
Saks Fifth Ave window bullshit. Awww how cute. Man! This garbage makes me want to go buy overpriced stuff in this store!
Overheard being said by douchebag.
"Sweetheart, this window wonderland has put me in the mood for some hot chocolate. Let's say we go get some at a cafe and then go buy some stuff here. What do you think hun?"
F--K YOU is what I think.
Oh, how sweet, its snowing. Don't eat the yellow snow.
CK
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3 comments:
To the big guy at the skating rink who is bowling people over, I'll agree that even I can't get into the holiday muzak just yet but after a nice stroll through our friendly neighborhood K-Mart, even I was bitten by the Christmas bug. And that image of Sak's windows brought back a childhood memory that I'll never forget. Thank you. I'd love some hot chocolate. Happy Holidays!!!!
ugh, so annoying.
ck
Oh it's so much fun to have all my weeekends free to watch football and have some tasty wings instead of having to purchase presents for some family member I have never met. Maybe while everyone is out toasting the town and I'm stuck putting up Christmas lights, I'll use your same blow up dolls and recreate a fun poker game with my closest buddies. Maybe we'll even plan a fun MAN-cation. Fist pound bro!
And who doesn't love getting drunk phone calls while you watch Mama Mia on DVD. "Hey broseph, the bar is swimming with chicks tonight, Wooooo!!!" Woooo indeed my friend. My buddy that is also in a relationship (and sorry he doesn't have a cool nickname like Paps or Hank or "The Chad-ster") suggests that we call you at 7:30 AM to join us when we spend yet another Sunday shopping for a gift for Sophia and Vinnie's baby shower.
Look at those guys at the bar high fiving because the local football team just scored, go fuck yourselves.
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