04-18/Once In St. Olaf

Britney Spears stalker's a 2-time 'American Idol' flop
BY Nancy Dillon DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER

LOS ANGELES - The camouflage-clad woman arrested for peering into the windows of Britney Spears' mansion was an "American Idol" castoff who sang Spears' songs at auditions in 2004 and 2005.
Miranda Tozier-Robbins, 26 of Fitchburg, Mass., blogged about her "Idol" flops, admitting she got "choked up" when the judges panned her voice at a Boston audition in 2005.
Judge Simon Cowell said she was "terrible" and told her to "stop singing," she wrote.
"Every day I visualize those three people standing about 10 feet in front of me," she wrote.
Tozier-Robbins was arrested Thursday after security guards caught her peeking into Spears' Calabasas, Calif., home with a backpack full of video equipment, authorities said. She was cited for misdemeanor trespassing and disorderly conduct.
"She wasn't exhibiting anything for us to be concerned," Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department spokesman Steve Whitmore said. "We believe it was probably a paparazzi incident."
Obsessed fan Paula Goodspeed, 30, overdosed on drugs outside judge Paula Abdul's house in November. Goodspeed, who had Abdul's name tattooed inside her mouth, also blogged about her embarrassing tryout for the hit show.

In a related story, a man dressed in a hideous woman's nightgown and gray wig, was spotted peering into a ground floor apartment on Kingsbury Ave. The deranged man had played the role of "Dorothy" in the off Broadway production of "Golden Boys" that lasted only 3 shows due to the casts' parents getting tired of going.

Christopher Kemmerer, recently declared legally insane, wanted to "play Golden Girls," but his best friend and co-star Fabian had a lot of homework to do.

"I'm done in 4 weeks man," a visibly upset Fabian declared repeatedly. "It's over man."

"He can't get over it. I feel bad, but I have homework to do, and it looks like rain." Fabian said. "Rose was a big part of my life, but that was for a short time. It's time to move on. All he needed to do was keep it together."

A small group had gathered around Fabian's apartment watching the commotion. After he would take no further questions, he started taking pictures with the few fans that had amassed.

Quietly in the corner of the courtyard, you could see a camera flash and a, "Once in St. Olaf....." was heard followed by a muffled round of chuckling and a dog barking.

Kemmerer, who recently tattooed "Zbornak" on his tongue, was working on a tattoo that would cover his whole back. As the police led him away, the outlines of a woman stirring a pot of tomato sauce was visible on his back, with the wind blowing his nightgown up over his head.

Dools and Paps, other co-stars and friends, were in Cabo for research. They were originally unavailable for comment "because we are with some broads right now." We received this email shortly before this story printed.

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CATCH THE PLAYOFFS ON TNT

Too bad about the kid - he was an ok guy. Funny blog sometimes, useless wingman, scared of girls. He's better off in jail.

CATCH THE MAGICS AT JAZZ SUNDAY AT 8PM FOLLOWED BY KYRA SEDGWICK AS "THE CLOSER"
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As the straitjacket was put on, Kemmerer resisted wildly, the gray wig falling off his head. As he gave in and started to sob, all that could be heard was,

"Maaaaaaaa!!!!"

ck

Blanche: In this day in age it might be a good idea to take along some... protection.
Rose: What kind of protection?
Dorothy: Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about... [indicates a nearby counter]
Rose: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy: One over.
Rose: An enema bag?
Dorothy: To the right.
Rose: Dentu-Grip?!
Dorothy: CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!
Cashier: Calm down, lady! You just get out of prison?


Blanche: There's no reason to be embarrassed! Now these are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own! [picks up a package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] I'd like a package of these, please.
Dorothy: [grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] And I'll take these.
Rose: [looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] ...and I'll take these.
Blanche: Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Cashier: [speaking into his microphone] JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS, THE LAMBSKINS AND THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE. TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE IN BLACK.

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Golden_Girls#The_Engagement_.5B1.01.5D