Original:Friday, October 12, 2007
Whats the deal.....
A few weeks ago, during UN week, there was a slew of diplomats in and around New York City. For those that have to deal with NYC traffic, Im sure it was awful, even for those that commute. I think, though, that if you looked at it comedically, it probably was the best episode of every sitcom you have ever seen.
For example, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president who has hinted toward believing things like there was no Holocaust, or that there are no homosexuals in Iran, is the funniest script written by accident. I think SNL or any other sketch comedy show should have eaten that up. Here is a sketch I wrote in my head.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gives his speech, stirring up all different types of reactions. Then he excuses himself and heads towards the restroom, with some of his body gaurds to go number 2. He sits in the middle stall, with body gaurds in the stalls to the left and the right of him. This is where the awkward silence is broken, by Ahmadinejad trying to re-enact the Seinfeld where Elaine runs out of toilet paper and needs help from the stall mates.
"Cant you spare a square?" he says in a thick accent followed by a heartly laugh. " I love that show."
I have never seen an actual UN convention meeting, but I have seen clips on TV. You never see in real life the ethnic garbs that certain shows and movies have mocked. I would love to see the lederhosen or samurai outfits, maybe even the African tribal wear.
I think to spice it up and ease tensions, each country should follow their speech with a cultural presentation, like International Day at St. Francis Prep.
" Esteemed collegues, we must end the war!!! " finishes off a speech with clenched fists pounding on the podium..... "And now for your enjoyment, we have Hans and Lars on the Glockenspiel"
ck
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Mad Ups to AK
Original:Friday, October 05, 2007
Mad ups to Arlene Kemmerer
Tuesday evening AK was yelling from the Den to put on channel 31. It appears Perfect Strangers is back in syndication, and has a new home on the Season Pass Manager from my Tivo. For those of you with Direct TV, it is shadowed on channel 305, called ION.
Balki is so innocent, a far bend from the current Bronson Pinchot, whos last TV appearance was on the Surreal Life on VH1. I think he was trying to bang that old model lady.
I think that the next perfect reality TV show should be called Weddings. Videotape the wedding party and show it un-edited. Better yet, they should be played live, this way no one can get out of the nonsense you do being made public.
Recently was the Animal's wedding. I think the total bill could have purchased Luxembourg or perhaps an Indoor Football Team. Sal, I didn't get a gift.
The dancing is by far the funniest part of the night. The only problem I have making fun of people dancing is that I am one of those bad dancers. As I was putting in the ingredients to the perfect dance cake, it ran through my mind how stupid I looked. This cake also had a lot of sweat in it too.
Ingredient 1 : the robot
Ingredient 2 : the F&ck Dance ( where you grind sexually with your partner- funnier if the duo is Phil P and Tursi )
Ingredient 3: The salsa ( Pretend you are latin, or just in touch with Latino flavor. You look ridiculous with your hand on your stomach and moving your hips, but you have a confident, cool gaze on your face, almost expecting someone to come up and say you are a really good salsa dancer - no one ever does because you are awful )
Ingredient 4 : Over the top moves ( you know you are a bad dancer, so you let everyone know that you are goofing around - so you'll go over the top. Moves like the lasso, or the fishing pole-trying-to-catch the other person, maybe even the Russian dance where you cross your arms and kick your legs up ) You and the one guy you know at the party find this funny.
Ingredient 5 : Dance with the same sex ( people will disregard your awful dancing abilities because of your shock value to dance with a member of the same sex - Phil P/Tursi )
Ingredient 6 : Act Italian. ( this might cause you to lose your dress shirt and/or sleeves and immediately hook up on the dance floor )
All the ingredients for a great dance cake.
ck
Mad ups to Arlene Kemmerer
Tuesday evening AK was yelling from the Den to put on channel 31. It appears Perfect Strangers is back in syndication, and has a new home on the Season Pass Manager from my Tivo. For those of you with Direct TV, it is shadowed on channel 305, called ION.
Balki is so innocent, a far bend from the current Bronson Pinchot, whos last TV appearance was on the Surreal Life on VH1. I think he was trying to bang that old model lady.
I think that the next perfect reality TV show should be called Weddings. Videotape the wedding party and show it un-edited. Better yet, they should be played live, this way no one can get out of the nonsense you do being made public.
Recently was the Animal's wedding. I think the total bill could have purchased Luxembourg or perhaps an Indoor Football Team. Sal, I didn't get a gift.
The dancing is by far the funniest part of the night. The only problem I have making fun of people dancing is that I am one of those bad dancers. As I was putting in the ingredients to the perfect dance cake, it ran through my mind how stupid I looked. This cake also had a lot of sweat in it too.
Ingredient 1 : the robot
Ingredient 2 : the F&ck Dance ( where you grind sexually with your partner- funnier if the duo is Phil P and Tursi )
Ingredient 3: The salsa ( Pretend you are latin, or just in touch with Latino flavor. You look ridiculous with your hand on your stomach and moving your hips, but you have a confident, cool gaze on your face, almost expecting someone to come up and say you are a really good salsa dancer - no one ever does because you are awful )
Ingredient 4 : Over the top moves ( you know you are a bad dancer, so you let everyone know that you are goofing around - so you'll go over the top. Moves like the lasso, or the fishing pole-trying-to-catch the other person, maybe even the Russian dance where you cross your arms and kick your legs up ) You and the one guy you know at the party find this funny.
Ingredient 5 : Dance with the same sex ( people will disregard your awful dancing abilities because of your shock value to dance with a member of the same sex - Phil P/Tursi )
Ingredient 6 : Act Italian. ( this might cause you to lose your dress shirt and/or sleeves and immediately hook up on the dance floor )
All the ingredients for a great dance cake.
ck
Show Me How its Done Sir
Original:Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Show me how its done sir.
I am really missing ABC's TGIF lineup from the early 90's. Perhaps some of the greatest shows of our generation have been showcased on that network. Long before you could find 10 year old's standing on streetcorners, smoking marajuana cigarettes, they used to be at home, sitting with their grandparents watching TGIF. Like me, a good boy.
I used to get all excited to see who was the host for this week's TGIF, since one show's cast would host for the whole evening. It even had a theme song "Its Friday Night, and the mood is right, Gonna have some fun, show you how its done, T-G-I-F"
Show me how it's done sir.
Perfect Strangers was by far the greatest show ever to have been in the 'TGIF' lineup. They went up against heavy hitters like "Growing Pains", "Who's the Boss" and "Full House" but in my book - P S, was the best of all.
Sometimes you have those days when you are forced to grow up and you have to come to grips with reality. That day was when I find out the difference between Season Finale, and Series Finale. There were tears shed that friday night, upstate, on a fishing vacation with my grandparents. They said it was the Series Finale of Perfect Strangers and I had to ask how that was different from Season Finale.
I cried. Hard.
I remember the show, "Just the Ten of Us" and how the main character's head looked like a basketball, and that reminded me of how he was a basketball coach, even when he started out on "Growing Pains."
http://www.delafont.com/comedians/Bill-Kirchenbauer.htm
He also had the annoying voice, and wore sweatpants with the whistle. I think I also used to have that basketball reference in my mind, because he had one of those round stomachs. Almost like somebody who pulled sweatpants up to their chest and then placed a round ball, like a basketball, over the stomach area.
There were many shows that made it into the TGIF lineup, but some of them never stuck like our favorites. It's amazing how Perfect Strangers never made it onto DVD. You can even research these shows on the internet, and find out what their status is. Apparantly you can put yourself on an email alert list for when, if ever, Perfect Strangers comes out on DVD.
I gave "Step by Step" a fair shot, because I liked Cody. Cody used to live in a van in the driveway and was into the daughter Dana. I later found out, that he beat his wife in real life. That fact stuck with me, and how my neighbor mike told me about that all excited for some reason.
"Mr Belvedere" was great, and I wished I could have coupled Bob Ueker's "Major League" charachter with his on the show. I always wanted to hear what it would be like to hear Mr. Belvedere curse.
I miss those days alot, and watching those shows and others, like " Golden Girls" with my grandmother when I used to sleep over their house on the weekends.
But I was never allowed to watch Family Matters.
Show me how its done sir.
I am really missing ABC's TGIF lineup from the early 90's. Perhaps some of the greatest shows of our generation have been showcased on that network. Long before you could find 10 year old's standing on streetcorners, smoking marajuana cigarettes, they used to be at home, sitting with their grandparents watching TGIF. Like me, a good boy.
I used to get all excited to see who was the host for this week's TGIF, since one show's cast would host for the whole evening. It even had a theme song "Its Friday Night, and the mood is right, Gonna have some fun, show you how its done, T-G-I-F"
Show me how it's done sir.
Perfect Strangers was by far the greatest show ever to have been in the 'TGIF' lineup. They went up against heavy hitters like "Growing Pains", "Who's the Boss" and "Full House" but in my book - P S, was the best of all.
Sometimes you have those days when you are forced to grow up and you have to come to grips with reality. That day was when I find out the difference between Season Finale, and Series Finale. There were tears shed that friday night, upstate, on a fishing vacation with my grandparents. They said it was the Series Finale of Perfect Strangers and I had to ask how that was different from Season Finale.
I cried. Hard.
I remember the show, "Just the Ten of Us" and how the main character's head looked like a basketball, and that reminded me of how he was a basketball coach, even when he started out on "Growing Pains."
http://www.delafont.com/comedians/Bill-Kirchenbauer.htm
He also had the annoying voice, and wore sweatpants with the whistle. I think I also used to have that basketball reference in my mind, because he had one of those round stomachs. Almost like somebody who pulled sweatpants up to their chest and then placed a round ball, like a basketball, over the stomach area.
There were many shows that made it into the TGIF lineup, but some of them never stuck like our favorites. It's amazing how Perfect Strangers never made it onto DVD. You can even research these shows on the internet, and find out what their status is. Apparantly you can put yourself on an email alert list for when, if ever, Perfect Strangers comes out on DVD.
I gave "Step by Step" a fair shot, because I liked Cody. Cody used to live in a van in the driveway and was into the daughter Dana. I later found out, that he beat his wife in real life. That fact stuck with me, and how my neighbor mike told me about that all excited for some reason.
"Mr Belvedere" was great, and I wished I could have coupled Bob Ueker's "Major League" charachter with his on the show. I always wanted to hear what it would be like to hear Mr. Belvedere curse.
I miss those days alot, and watching those shows and others, like " Golden Girls" with my grandmother when I used to sleep over their house on the weekends.
But I was never allowed to watch Family Matters.
Perfect Strangers Theme Song Lyrics "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"
Sometimes the world looks perfect Nothin' to rearrange Sometimes you just Get a feelin' like you need some kind of change Standin' tall On the wings of my dream Rise and fall On the wings of my dream Rain and thunder, the wind and haze I'm bound for better days It's my life It's my dream Nothin's gonna stop me nowOn the wings of my dream Rain and thunder, the wind and haze I'm bound for better days It's my life It's my dream Nothin's gonna stop me now
CK
Sometimes the world looks perfect Nothin' to rearrange Sometimes you just Get a feelin' like you need some kind of change Standin' tall On the wings of my dream Rise and fall On the wings of my dream Rain and thunder, the wind and haze I'm bound for better days It's my life It's my dream Nothin's gonna stop me nowOn the wings of my dream Rain and thunder, the wind and haze I'm bound for better days It's my life It's my dream Nothin's gonna stop me now
CK
Elbows and Assholes
Original:Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Elbows and Assholes
I am not a cat man. Id prefer to call myself a dog person, even though I never had one. I remember 10 plus years ago walking a family member's dog and getting ready to pick up its shit with a mere paper towel. I thought is was gross and mushy but not as gross as when the towel didnt do the right thing and the shit hit my hand. It seemed by grabbing it I cracked one of those glow sticks that only illuminate when you snap it. The shit, when cracked, created an unholy smell, that can only be created by a steady diet of grass and remnants of other animals shit. This was the one and only times Ive ever gagged, contrary to popular belief.
My girlfriend's roomate has a cat who is very friendly. I dont mind this cat, since it seems to give back some affection. The only problem is that when he jumps on me, he turns around and sticks that gross ass hole in my face. If I had a gold watch I would stick it in your face constantly, but this cat seems to think he has a gold watch under his tail.
Its funny because the cat looks at you like he's doing you a favor by showing you this hole where his shit comes out of. He turns his head back to look at you while posing, almost like hes saying "Im only doing this for you."
Cats also refuse to take hints. Gets on the bed, gets thrown off the bed.
Gets on the bed, Gets thrown off the bed.
Gets on the bed, Gets thrown off the bed.
Gets on the bed, Gets thrown off the bed.
I would love to figure out what this cat is thinking in its mind. Although I wouldnt be surprised if they were doing it on purpose.
I love the look that cats make when you meow at them. Almost like " Holy Shit, you speak cat!! " Cats are the most uninterested animals ever, but if you meow at them they look at you like you just came in through the ceiling, Its like they have to shake their head in disbelief . Then look back shocked that you can speak their language, sometimes with their mouth open.
Then they meow at you back saying " So are you mad that I call you fat ass?"
ck
Elbows and Assholes
I am not a cat man. Id prefer to call myself a dog person, even though I never had one. I remember 10 plus years ago walking a family member's dog and getting ready to pick up its shit with a mere paper towel. I thought is was gross and mushy but not as gross as when the towel didnt do the right thing and the shit hit my hand. It seemed by grabbing it I cracked one of those glow sticks that only illuminate when you snap it. The shit, when cracked, created an unholy smell, that can only be created by a steady diet of grass and remnants of other animals shit. This was the one and only times Ive ever gagged, contrary to popular belief.
My girlfriend's roomate has a cat who is very friendly. I dont mind this cat, since it seems to give back some affection. The only problem is that when he jumps on me, he turns around and sticks that gross ass hole in my face. If I had a gold watch I would stick it in your face constantly, but this cat seems to think he has a gold watch under his tail.
Its funny because the cat looks at you like he's doing you a favor by showing you this hole where his shit comes out of. He turns his head back to look at you while posing, almost like hes saying "Im only doing this for you."
Cats also refuse to take hints. Gets on the bed, gets thrown off the bed.
Gets on the bed, Gets thrown off the bed.
Gets on the bed, Gets thrown off the bed.
Gets on the bed, Gets thrown off the bed.
I would love to figure out what this cat is thinking in its mind. Although I wouldnt be surprised if they were doing it on purpose.
I love the look that cats make when you meow at them. Almost like " Holy Shit, you speak cat!! " Cats are the most uninterested animals ever, but if you meow at them they look at you like you just came in through the ceiling, Its like they have to shake their head in disbelief . Then look back shocked that you can speak their language, sometimes with their mouth open.
Then they meow at you back saying " So are you mad that I call you fat ass?"
ck
4 Ways
Original:Wednesday, October 11, 2006
4 Ways
There is an immense amount of comedy in this world. Sometimes it's really hard to make something funny but normally there is always something funny going on.
One of the funniest moments I've had recently had me in shock. It was so funny, but beyond a level where I couldnt even get a "ha" to come out of my mouth. It was at a four way stop sign clusterfuck, and nobody had any clue whos turn it was. At these four way stops I am taking notes of who stopped when and who is next up. I am so obnoxious about it, that I keep driving right through if someone cuts my turn, so that the owness is on them to stop or veer or go right into me. This, though, is coming from the same person who refuses to send back a meal when its completely the wrong order.
I believe it was the person in front of me's turn to proceed, but for whatever reason they did not go. It looked like they were in the game, but they just didnt go. I saw the driver smoking a cigarette. The person to the left of us then decided to go and then the person in front of me decided to go. Both of the parties stopped and had that akward stop and go, almost as if the car is saying "oops ( stop-lurch) ooops (stop-lurch)" When the woman on the left decided to proceed through the intersection she motioned to the driver in front of me with the greatest gesture ever. No it was not the "finger" or "the bird" It was better.
She gestured as if she was smoking an imaginary cigarette, mockingly looking at the car's driver who was smoking. But she did it in such a way as if she was off broadway playing some 80 year old rich woman who smoked cigarettes out of a holder. She extended her arm out and kept it straight, bending only at the elbow back and forth bringing her hand to her mouth rapidly. She also leaned in the cars direction, doing over the lap of her passenger. If only I got that on tape.
ck
4 Ways
There is an immense amount of comedy in this world. Sometimes it's really hard to make something funny but normally there is always something funny going on.
One of the funniest moments I've had recently had me in shock. It was so funny, but beyond a level where I couldnt even get a "ha" to come out of my mouth. It was at a four way stop sign clusterfuck, and nobody had any clue whos turn it was. At these four way stops I am taking notes of who stopped when and who is next up. I am so obnoxious about it, that I keep driving right through if someone cuts my turn, so that the owness is on them to stop or veer or go right into me. This, though, is coming from the same person who refuses to send back a meal when its completely the wrong order.
I believe it was the person in front of me's turn to proceed, but for whatever reason they did not go. It looked like they were in the game, but they just didnt go. I saw the driver smoking a cigarette. The person to the left of us then decided to go and then the person in front of me decided to go. Both of the parties stopped and had that akward stop and go, almost as if the car is saying "oops ( stop-lurch) ooops (stop-lurch)" When the woman on the left decided to proceed through the intersection she motioned to the driver in front of me with the greatest gesture ever. No it was not the "finger" or "the bird" It was better.
She gestured as if she was smoking an imaginary cigarette, mockingly looking at the car's driver who was smoking. But she did it in such a way as if she was off broadway playing some 80 year old rich woman who smoked cigarettes out of a holder. She extended her arm out and kept it straight, bending only at the elbow back and forth bringing her hand to her mouth rapidly. She also leaned in the cars direction, doing over the lap of her passenger. If only I got that on tape.
ck
Makes You Want to go Uggh
Original:Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Makes you want to go uggh
Hi everyone,
I've been away for a while because I have had writers block. I didn't know what to say, I didnt really care about the people around me and the comedy gold they were creating, Sometimes there are times though where you look back on doing something and get goosebumps from being such a weirdo. Today I caught myself doing such that.
There was a group of older collegues standing near me at work. About 3 of them. They were close, and they were the senior people on the shift, definetly the cool table at high school, except these people smell like moth balls and are wearing jeans from 83. I found myself doing nothing at the time so I was slouched in my swivel chair and aimed in their direction, crotch open at a 50 degree angle. They were making jokes, but me, being the dufus that I am, tried hard to make sure they knew I was listening to the jokes and laughing. I quickly thought about all of us at a waterfront bar, laughing together with me in the middle, umbrella drinks in hand. Then I search for the waiter, make a circle with my hands and then mouth silently " on me. "
So I had realized that I was being a loser, and was preparing to jump in at the right moment with my own witty retort. Instead I snapped out of my trance, because I realized I was gazing at them with a glaze in my eye and my mouth curled into a Joker like smile - the corners almost going straight up. My tongue was at the edge of my lips with moisture gathering. I realized I had looked like a moron and quickly turned around.
and here I am again.
ck
Makes you want to go uggh
Hi everyone,
I've been away for a while because I have had writers block. I didn't know what to say, I didnt really care about the people around me and the comedy gold they were creating, Sometimes there are times though where you look back on doing something and get goosebumps from being such a weirdo. Today I caught myself doing such that.
There was a group of older collegues standing near me at work. About 3 of them. They were close, and they were the senior people on the shift, definetly the cool table at high school, except these people smell like moth balls and are wearing jeans from 83. I found myself doing nothing at the time so I was slouched in my swivel chair and aimed in their direction, crotch open at a 50 degree angle. They were making jokes, but me, being the dufus that I am, tried hard to make sure they knew I was listening to the jokes and laughing. I quickly thought about all of us at a waterfront bar, laughing together with me in the middle, umbrella drinks in hand. Then I search for the waiter, make a circle with my hands and then mouth silently " on me. "
So I had realized that I was being a loser, and was preparing to jump in at the right moment with my own witty retort. Instead I snapped out of my trance, because I realized I was gazing at them with a glaze in my eye and my mouth curled into a Joker like smile - the corners almost going straight up. My tongue was at the edge of my lips with moisture gathering. I realized I had looked like a moron and quickly turned around.
and here I am again.
ck
Interpretations
Original:Friday, May 12, 2006
Interpretations
Last evening there was quite a large thunderstorm. It was strange because I think it was the first T-Storm or "TS", as I like to call them, of the year. I was drinking wine last night, and since Ive started to try to get fucked up on wine, my nervous system has been acting a little strange.
There was a gigantic boom last night that sent me into panic mode because I had my strange wine buzz on, and I was also dreaming. Think about when you are awaken by someone and you have a conversation with them. You know what was said, but you cant remember it exactly happening. Combine that with my wine-o buzz and you have weirdness.
I woke up a split second before this gigantic boom. Then there was KA-BOOOM!!! I think everyone in my neighborhood woke to this, and those who are reading this that live around me might attest to it. This boom was so loud that it sounded like a bomb, and it set off many alarms. I then started to panic as I usually do at 3 am when I am awake, expecting aliens or ghosts to be hanging out in my room.
Sometimes when I get nervous about being visited by ghosts or aliens I try to think about what my mother might say. " Like ghosts and aliens have nothing better to do than to hang out in your dirty room in the middle of the night."
I kept searching around my room and thinking that this was a sonic boom from an 'Independence Day' Alien ship and that this was it. Then my mind started to rapidly wander and here's what I remember from the dream that followed.
I started to dream that the boom was from a pirate ship. And that an effeminate sailor on the ship shot off a canon to spite the other mates who never let him fire the canon. And I would pay anything to remember the witty one liner that the sailor said. I think there are ties to the character Jack from Will and Grace since I was watching that earlier. I remember the sailor wore a pirate style doo rag on his head, and there was a sash as well around his torso.
Open to interpretation. Be gentle.
ck
Interpretations
Last evening there was quite a large thunderstorm. It was strange because I think it was the first T-Storm or "TS", as I like to call them, of the year. I was drinking wine last night, and since Ive started to try to get fucked up on wine, my nervous system has been acting a little strange.
There was a gigantic boom last night that sent me into panic mode because I had my strange wine buzz on, and I was also dreaming. Think about when you are awaken by someone and you have a conversation with them. You know what was said, but you cant remember it exactly happening. Combine that with my wine-o buzz and you have weirdness.
I woke up a split second before this gigantic boom. Then there was KA-BOOOM!!! I think everyone in my neighborhood woke to this, and those who are reading this that live around me might attest to it. This boom was so loud that it sounded like a bomb, and it set off many alarms. I then started to panic as I usually do at 3 am when I am awake, expecting aliens or ghosts to be hanging out in my room.
Sometimes when I get nervous about being visited by ghosts or aliens I try to think about what my mother might say. " Like ghosts and aliens have nothing better to do than to hang out in your dirty room in the middle of the night."
I kept searching around my room and thinking that this was a sonic boom from an 'Independence Day' Alien ship and that this was it. Then my mind started to rapidly wander and here's what I remember from the dream that followed.
I started to dream that the boom was from a pirate ship. And that an effeminate sailor on the ship shot off a canon to spite the other mates who never let him fire the canon. And I would pay anything to remember the witty one liner that the sailor said. I think there are ties to the character Jack from Will and Grace since I was watching that earlier. I remember the sailor wore a pirate style doo rag on his head, and there was a sash as well around his torso.
Open to interpretation. Be gentle.
ck
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