02-13/Spring Training Wheels

Today, pitchers and catchers report for the first day of spring training. We've lasted all winter through an exciting football season - one rivaling the excitement of a drunken visit to the diner, then the dejection of throwing it up later.

Either way, it's time to hear Scott Clark (ABC 7 Sports) get all wacky about Spring Training and what's going on down in Florida. "Oooooh spin spin spin, you wacky thermometer reaching 80 degrees while its 40 in New York!"

I'm sure Scott will take the Florida assignment though, and make Marvel Scott work the desk and practice his fake smile. Meanwhile he's thinking,

"If that asshole wants me to say spin spin spin, I'll spin spin spin a fork through that motha-f**ker's eye."

My Spring Training trip, while painfully lacking something this year, will also include me watching the Metropolitans take on Team Italy. Awesome. As much as I love my Italian friends, the only thing I can pre-empt this trip with is thoughts of how an Italian team might act differently than an American team.

Of course all the pants will be super tight, as the team runs out onto the field. The hats will rest gently on top of thickly gelled back shoulder length hair. The coach will be wearing a suit with a scarf around his neck (credit Paps), and often jumps onto the field to dispute many calls. Even though he will never run out onto the field, he uses many hand gestures resembling confusion and surprise.

In the Florida heat, the players cool themselves by pouring Peroni all over their heads. When a great play is made, they celebrate with kisses on the cheek instead of the standard high five.(credit Matt) For those players that want to make special celebration handshakes, all they do is put on leather moto-cross jackets and make techno dance moves with each other.

If Team Italy does win, I'd like to see the post game interview with an Italian rookie, and a veteran will sneak up behind him smashing a plate of spaghetti and meatballs in his face.

I love my Italian friends. Since I'm a good sport I'll describe quickly what it would be like to play Team Germany. (For Sal)

The German team uniform will be all black turtlenecks, and sunglasses. There will be no cheering, however when a nice play is made, the team will clap in unison, while sitting on the bench. Then the coach will scream out "GENUG!" (enough) and the team will stop on the dime and return their hands to their laps.

Those that strike out may be executed.

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